what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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