So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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