I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize