No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
