I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
