we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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