I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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