there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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