why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
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I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
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He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
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