I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
