When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
