Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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