That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
