Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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