Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
my mouth tastes like poor choices
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
