she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
