She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
He did a backflip because drugs
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