I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
