so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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