I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
