just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
