I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
