I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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