I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
