Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
