Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
