So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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