White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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