um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
