i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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