When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
