Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
