If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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