Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Randomize
