my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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