Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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