did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
It's blow job season.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
