My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
