heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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