This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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