God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
