I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
