does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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