My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
