I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
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