Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I enjoy the company of your penis
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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