She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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