What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You're like the curious george of whores
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
