My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
