I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
i now understand why vodka
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
