she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I just googled if crying burns calories
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
