you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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