so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
