Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
