She's JV to your varsity
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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