I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
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Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
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Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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