i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
the liver wants what the liver wants
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
