The brown eye won't let me do that either.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
