and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
it's like iHOP with fire
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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