Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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