I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
