I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Randomize
