Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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